I think a bouncer likes me but I am under 21. What should I do?

There’s this bar my friends and I frequent, maybe once every two months, and I’ve been crushing on the bouncer since we first went. We constantly check each other out while I’m there, and I heard him tell him friend I was beautiful as I walked by. However, we’ve yet to actually talk and my ID is hopelessly fake. Any advice? I’m convinced that bouncers are bombarded by girls constantly.

Do you have any idea how many cute girls a bouncer sees every night? Now mulitply that number by 8-10 nights per month and then double it since you only go in once every two months. That’s a lot of girls. So you’re right about constant bombardment.

Listen, I hate to break to you, but you’re not that special. In addition to being an adult baby-sitter, a good bouncer is also a promoter. You want to make the people who come into your bar or club feel welcomed. If a guy has been there before, you want to remember him and shake his hand so he looks all cool in front of the ladies he’s bringing in. Anytime a cute girl comes by, you want to comment on how hot she looks, or make some other (mostly stupid) comment that makes her feel really good, since it sets a good tone and vibe, making for an overall better atmosphere.

There used to be these girls that would come into my club that were…well, they weren’t pretty. I mean, they weren’t fat or anything, they just didn’t have favorable bone structure or teeth or whatever else. The first time I saw them, they came in with a few guys, and later asked me if I had seen where the guys went; the guys had ditched them and gone to another club.

The thing is, these girls tried so fucking hard that it made my heart break. They dressed to the nines, they had their hair all done up, and hell, out of the corner of your eye or if you saw them from behind, you’d be like, “Hey, what do we have here?” Then when they’d turn around you’d jump back in horror going, “Whoa!”

Every time they came to the door, I acted like they were the hottest girls in the world. And truth be told, if you count spirit and enthusiasm, they were. I would even get to the point where I would wave them through like they were VIPs, making sure they didn’t even have to pay the cover. And why the fuck not? They deserved it for the effort.

Of course, all this goodwill would come to a pretty abrupt end if the girls started thinking I was hitting on them. Fortunately, that never happened and we avoided that awkward moment. I think you should also avoid that awkward moment and not assume you have anything special with this bouncer.

And besides, if you’re under 21 you should keep a low profile. I don’t care how cute or cool a girl thinks she is, if she’s under 21, I don’t want her in my club. Well, you know, not unless her ID happened to have a crisp hundred dollar bill folded around it, in which case…well… But seriously, girls do this all the time, they come in with their sister’s ID or whatever, it looks good enough that they get in, then later they get drunk and start chatting with me and feel the need to come fucking clean and tell me they are under 21. How can I make this clear? I don’t want to fucking know!! Ignorance is bliss! If you are under 21, please don’t tell the bouncer. Let him maintain plausible deniability. Once a girl that the bouncer knows for a fact isn’t 21 somehow gets into a club underage, she will brag to all her fucking friends about it. The next thing you know, it’s all over fucking town and the bar owner/manager starts asking questions. Fuck that shit. Stupid underage shorties aint worth it.

So keep your dirty whore mouth shut. Once you turn 21 for real, decide if you really want to know the bouncer better. If you do, go up and talk to him. But keep in mind his niceness may all be an act and you may be one of those ugly girls he feels very sorry for. If so, do me a favor and get your damn teeth fixed already!

The only chicks bouncers get bombarded by are fat chicks, ugly chicks, belligerent chicks, or, like you, underage chicks. But usually not hot ones.

If you take away the self-inflated egos and tight t-shirts and man tits, bouncers are just like any other guy. They see a hot girl and their animal instincts come into full play. I’d bet ninety-percent this bouncer knows your I.D. is total shit. There’s a reason he’s letting you in. You’re hot. This takes me back to a story which has no actual value to the outcome of your situation, but it’s funny, and it involves bouncers and underage chicks. So whatever.

A few years back, before I was twenty-one, I had a fake I.D. It was the most legitimate fake I.D. around. I mean, I never got questioned. Well, one day I decided to enter the bar where “Bouncer”, my stupid, worthless co-author of this column happened to be bouncing that night. He knew me prior to this because he used to stalk the coffee shop where I worked. So we were acquaintances to say the least. Anyway, I decided to go to that bar because I figured he’d be cool and not say shit about my I.D. I sat down with my friend and we start chugging our Long Island Iced Teas, when, all-of-a-sudden I am approached by one of the bartenders who says, “Bouncer wants to talk to you”. Fuck. I walked outside and here’s this no-good son-of-a-bitch waiting to give me a stern talkin’ to. Which he did. Right before he kicked me out.

Moral of the story is, Bouncer is a loser. Now, back to your question. How do you get this idiot to like you? First of all, start frequenting the bar more often. Duh. Once every two months is so fucking moderate of you. Get it together. Secondly, muster up the courage to go talk to him. You’re probably going to have to make the first move because bouncers never leave their bouncer stoop. So take lots of smoke breaks and walk past him, like, eighty-seven times. One of those times hit on him. Just keep it casual. If he’s not a pussy he’ll reciprocate and keep shit flowin’. Then you guys can date and wear matching Affliction t-shirts.

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A guy said maybe when I asked him out. Should I ask again?

Earlier this week, I finally worked up the courage to ask a guy out for the weekend. He said, “I’m actually busy.” And proceeded to tell me what he was doing this weekend (which I later found out was the all true). So after he got done telling me how busy he was this weekend, I asked, when he’s not busy, if he’d enjoy hanging out. He said, “I don’t know….maybe.” There’s this dance coming up. I’m tempted to ask him again because I’ve been into him for a while. Should I?

He’s just not into you.

First off, good for you for having the sand to ask this guy out. More girls need to work up the nerve to make the first move, especially with so many guys being pussies who are afraid to ask someone out that they like.

However, if you ask someone out and they give you any response other than a resounding “Yes!” they are not into you. If a girl asked me out and I wasn’t interested, I would tell her I was busy and pretty much laugh the whole thing off to spare her hurt feelings. Unless of course, she was really hot and full of herself, and then I’d be a real dick and say something, “Uh-huh, you think you’re really ready for a shot at the title, sweetheart?”

But say I am actually interested in a girl, but I have to work that day. I would reply with a counter-proposal, “I’m working a gig that night, but how about meeting for happy hour on Tuesday?” And it’s the same for guys and girls, if they are busy but interested, they’ll come up with another offer. If they don’t, it’s because they aren’t interested and it’s the easiest way to blow someone off.

And I’ll give you the same advice I’d give a guy in the same situation, if you ask someone out and they blow you off, you need to move on and ignore them. Fuck that guy. If he’s not jumping at the chance to hang out with you, there’s a million other single desperate lonely guys out there waiting for you. Don’t waste another minute thinking about this guy and definitely don’t ask him to the dance. Unless of course, it’s because you want to introduce him to your new boyfriend.

No way. Are you kidding? This guy is clearly not into you. Stop now. Please, for the love of God, stop now.

I can’t stand this. I want to blame the dude and talk about how chivalry is totally dead and guys are losing their touch, and this is probably true, but I get the feeling you’re the kind of persistent, annoying-ass chick that keeps bugging the fuck out of this poor guy.

“He proceeded to tell me what he was doing this weekend (which I found out later was all true)”. Why the fuck are you keeping tabs on this mother fucker? What are you, the C.I.A.? Why do you give a fuck whether it’s true or not? It doesn’t make him like you any more. It just means he’s not a liar. You need to back off. Nowish. The most unflattering quality in a woman is desperation. If a man wants you, he will go after you. He will take his MANLY, non-pussy ass and do what it takes to win your heart. You know what a man DOESN’T want? Any chick who makes it painfully obvious how into him they are and any chick who won’t give the fuck up.

Personally, I believe you are allowed to make the first move whether your’e a woman or a man. Go for it. But after that first move is made, it is up to the MAN to continue the courtship. I’m not going to stalk your ass and force you to fucking hang out with me. You know how disgusting that makes me feel? It makes me feel like a big, fat, lonely loser. If you don’t want to hang out with me, I sure as fuck am not going to make you.

So, should you ask him to the dance? No, no, and more no. He didn’t want to hang out with you this weekend, he doesn’t want to be grinding his wiener up on you to some Chris Brown remix.

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He says he wants sex but no relationship. Will he come around?

I meet the most wonderful guy!  We click in every area of life our chemistry is awesome. Those are his words!  However he does not want to be in a committed relationship with anyone. He got married really young and has been divorced for two years after twelve years of marriage and five kids.  So, after about six months of going back and forth, he decided to back off and we be just friends.  I said ok,  and respected his decision however he won’t leave me alone.  He is always asking me for sex and sending me pics.  Which was all fine and dandy when we were trying to work things out but now that we decided on friendship it is confusing.  I like him a lot but I do not want to have sex with him anymore under the umbrella of friendship.  When I tell him this he says he understands and within a couple of weeks he is asking again but says he only wants to be friends.  Am I fooling myself to think that he will come around and ask me to be his woman? Or does he want me to just be is toy?

First off, let me thank you. We seem to get non-stop questions from delusional love-struck guys who keep hanging out with a girl who only likes them as a friend under the ill-concieved notion that the girl will eventually come around and fall for them. (And seriously, just knock if off guys, the girl will never fall for you) It’s very refreshing to get a question from the other side, where it’s the girl being delusional and thinking a guy will come around.

Listen, guys like to have sex. Sure, girls like to have sex too, it’s true. But for guys it’s different. For most of our lives, guys never go longer than 10 or 15 seconds without thinking about sex. It’s actually really hard to explain to someone who is not a guy, what it’s like to always be craving sex. Think of the last time you were on some crazy diet and starving yourself. Now think about how much you were craving and desiring food. That’s how we are, all the time, only about sex.

I hate to let the secret out of the bag, but seriously girls, if you want to have sex with a guy, have sex with him, but if you want a relationship, don’t have sex with him. Throwing your legs open right away is a perfectly fine thing to do, and I actually highly encourage you to do so, but if you really want to have a relationship with a guy, you need to at least make him work up to it.

You gave the guy the goods, and now he’s got you in his rotation. He doesn’t want a relationship with you, he just wants you around so he can have sex whenever that craving hits him (which is always) and when there is no one else around (which is why he isn’t dating you). Even when you tell him you want to just be friends, he is probably honestly agreeing with you, but two weeks later, when he is like a starving man walking through a desert, you’re going to look like a giant pork chop to him. Some kind of sexual pork chop, I guess… Whatever, now I am both hungry AND horny.

Anyway…no, he is never going to come around. Stop wasting your time and find a new guy, there’s a million out there. Just do yourself a favor and try to resist the urge to immediately flop onto your back the moment you see a new guy that you like.

Seriously? Get real here. Please.

You must be the most clueless girl on the face of the earth. And not the cool kind of clueless like Alicia Silverstone. This guy is literally telling you “You are my FUCK-BUDDY”, and you’re simply choosing to ignore it and instead lean on the false hope that this fucker is going to come around. He’s not. I’m not trying to make you feel totally shitty. Every girl goes through a stage in her life where she meets some deadbeat loser and for some deranged reason thinks he’s the sexiest, most stand-up guy around. We then justify every wrong thing he does, creating an often timely and seriously fucked cycle of disastrous relationship hell.

I understand he just got out of a devoted, twelve-year marriage. Blah blah blah. Five kids. Blah blah blah. A white picket fucking fence and a pomeranian named Fluffy. Blah blah blah! And more blah! Does he think he’s original? Get the fuck over it dude. It’s been two years. That’s plenty time to move on. That’s beside the point, though. This dude is not looking for anything serious. I don’t know why we, as women, mentally convince ourselves of things that are not happening. We really think that we are somethin’ real special and this guy has just stumbled upon a diamond in the fucking rough. I don’t care how special we are, or think we are. Sometimes he’s just not THAT into you. In this case, he may be into you, but he’s sure as hell is not trying to call you his lady, and that’s gotta mean something.

No one ever wants to be friends. I mean, I’m telling you, there is a MINISCULE percentage of people in this world who have previously been romantic and can make it as merely “friends”. Maybe after years, when each person has gotten married and started a life a surface friendship can ensue, but the chances of being close fucking homies is slim to none. One person always wants something. Always.

Honestly, this guy sounds like a real fucking douche. He also sounds like he tippin’ the crazy scale. Deciphering whether or not he is going to ask you to be his woman is literally a laughing matter at this point. What you should really be trying to decipher is what kind of guy sends you dick pics.

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