Why am I still obsessed over my asshole ex-boyfriend?

My ex-boyfriend is an ass, each and every part of me knows that, but still i find it soo difficult to move on! I was with this guy for almost an year on an ‘on and off’ basis, and i really thought he loved me. Though we used to have many fights, but we were still happy. One week before shifting to a different country, he told me he still loves me, and right after two weeks, he made a new girlfriend in that new place! I tried to stop all contact with him, but he contacts me somehow as we have loads of common friends and says we are still “best friends” and he still cares about me. i try my best not to think about him, its been almost 3 months now, but i just cant get him out of my mind! what should i do?? Its annoying me now! And now he wants to meet me when he comes back home for vacations, what should i do? should i meet him?

In general, people want what they don’t have. If you see a girl with an attractive guy, you’ll want that guy. If you see some cake you know shouldn’t eat, you’ll want that cake. If you see a neighboring country with a strategically located port, you’ll want that country. It’s human nature.

You can’t get this guy out of your head for one simple reason: You’ve yet to find another guy to lust for instead. The longer you worry about this guy, the harder it’ll be to meet someone else that’ll drive you crazy, leaving you with more time to dwell on your ex. It’s a vicious cycle.

We’ve all been there. We’ve all had recent ex’s that we both love and hate. There’s a reason why make-up sex is so damn good. In fact, the perfect relationship would probably involve no interaction with two people except for weekly make-up sex. Sadly, life is never that easy.

As I mentioned in our last column, everyone has some good in them, and many of us can’t help but focus on the good side. Guys will meet a woman, and knowing almost nothing at all about her, will fill in the gaps with their idealized partner, practically falling in love before they’ve even said hello. I do this several times a day. The problem is that it’s always downhill from there.

What you need to do is go meet someone else. There are lots of guys out there. But you’re never going to meet them if you spend your time texting back and forth with your ex in another country.

Should you meet him? That depends on what you want. If you want to move on with your life, the answer would be no. But you and I both know that you’re going to do it anyway, so let’s just cut the BS.

You’ll meet up with him, it’ll go great, the make-up sex will be awesome, you’ll both express how much you love each other, then he’ll go back home to his girlfriend and you’ll go back to obsessing over him, likely until he visits again.

In your head, this is all part of some romantic drama and he’s going to finally come running back to you, realize how perfect you are together, and you’ll live happily ever after. This isn’t going to happen. You know it, I know it, and while I haven’t read her response yet, I bet even Blonde knows it. And if anyone’s an expert on fantasizing about things that will never happen, it’s Blonde.

Cut ties with him, move on, and find some other guy to fall in love with. There are plenty of us assholes out there, more than enough to go around. Find one and then tell us how it goes.

The real kicker about humans is that each of us have good qualities and bad qualities. For instance, Bouncer is fat, ugly and honestly kind of boring, but sometimes he does stuff for me out of desperation.

Everyone’s ex-boyfriend is an asshole, and everyone’s ex-girlfriend is a whore. This is just the way it goes. They are your ex because their bad qualities outweighed the good ones and you can’t stand to watch them eat another meal in silence.

Break-ups are strange. Within the first couple days, even weeks, hatred and resentment are at an all-time high. Angry feelings fuel your every move, liberating you from the chains of relationship slavery. In this brief period of time, there isn’t a single spec of love in your heart for this person whom you once cherished. Instead, you fantasize about them contracting HIV.

As the days and weeks pass, you begin to consign to oblivion the shitty thoughts and feelings that were sustaining you. Fond feelings begin to manifest. You remember his crooked tooth. You remember the way he wore his hats. You remember the way he looked when he slept. You remember the smell of his B.O. Memories surface of times when the two of you were happy, laughing endlessly in between make-out sessions. All-of-a-sudden, you realize your ex is not the monster you mistook him for. Instead, you misconceived the whole thing. As it turns out, he really didn’t do anything wrong. His anger problems are simply a result of your continual cunty bitching. He emotional neglect is naturally just a facade for his fear in getting closer.

You have officially begun romancing the fuck out of your ex. The problem with this stage of breaking up is that you choose to block from your memory all the really fucked up things your ex did to you. You trick yourself into thinking the two of you are supposed to be together. You second guess yourself. Everyone does this. No decision feels more final than that of a break-up, and oftentimes it leads us to believe we’ve made some kind of detrimental mistake. How could we let go of something so precious, so real?

Let me assure you, there was nothing precious or real about your former relationship, this is why you are no longer in it. I realize there are many variables, and getting back together does work for some people, but in most cases, you’re just prolonging the inevitable.

I once had a five year on-and-off relationship with someone. Every time we broke up I would romanticize thoughts about his adorable fucking face or his stupid joke songs he would make up on the guitar. I would fail to remember that we couldn’t have a mature conversation to save our lives, because neither of us could take the blame, or that I spent most of the time hanging out by myself while he worked on his car.

Every time we would get back together it would be the same thing, initial comfort, but inevitably we would realize we don’t fucking like each other and would break up all over again. It’s pretty dumb if you think about it. In the time I spent trying to piece together a completely fucked relationship, I could have started a whole new one with someone I actually got along with.

I’m sure your ex does love you, a lot, and you love him. A part of me still loves my exes and I know a part of them still loves me too. Love doesn’t conquer all, though. Despite what memes you have been reading in order to justify your shitty thoughts, love won’t fix stupid. I can assure you, nothing will be different the second time around.

If you are fully aware your ex is an asshole, don’t investigate further. You’ll just end up six months down the road, ten beers and three Fireballs in, leaning over a toilet somewhere, tears streaming down your face, texting everyone in your phone book asking if they know how to get coke.


Is a drunken “I love you” a sign of their true feelings or meaningless bullshit?

I’ve been in love with my co-worker “Pete” for over 10 years. He didn’t seem to feel the same, and I spent all those years in a shitty relationship, ending up as a single mom. Last week everyone from work went out, and by the end of the night, Pete and I were making out at the bar, then fucking in our friends guest room. The entire time he is saying crazy shit like “my moms gonna be so happy she wants grandkids” and “I compared all my girlfriends to you,” etc. The next morning he was sober, at least I think, and he was still calling me beautiful and kissing me goodbye. Even asked me to see him later that day and to bring the baby. But now, a couple days later, its like it never happened. He never asked me out again, never acknowledged saying everything short of “I love you marry me!” Wtf?! I am so confused. Was it all just bullshit or does he actually have feelings for me?

Jean-Jaques Rousseau once said, “A drunk mind speaks a sober heart.” While I’m generally a big fan of divining life meeting from simplistic quotes, it’s important to point out that my good pal Jean-Jaques was shit-faced drunk when he uttered those words. Besides, if I’ve learned anything from my years bouncing at clubs, it’s to never take advice from preachy long-haired dudes dressed in women’s clothes.

It’s human nature to want people to like us, all going back to the cave dude and cave chick days when you’d get your ass booted out of the tribe if you acted like a big enough dick. And then you’d either starve or be eaten by a giant mastodon. And by mastodon, I mean a giant ancient elephant, not a particularly fat and bossy tranny, get your damn mind out of the gutter.

In general, most people spend way too much fucking time worrying about what others think of them, always looking for signs that indicate how they really feel about us. We tend to over analyze things and draw sweeping conclusions from the flimsiest bits of evidence, always in support of either our greatest hopes or biggest fears.

This makes it especially dangerous to put stock in anything a person says when they’re drunk. While it might be true that some elements of a person’s real personality show themselves when booze strips away what little common sense they have, for the most part, it turns them into someone that’s likely to spout a bunch of random BS they don’t actually believe.

And we all do it. I’m generally a fairly reserved drunk. In fact, unless I’m falling over in the bar, or crashing my truck into a random dumpster, most people have no clue when I’m hammered, since I pretty much act the exact same way. Well, except for the smile. If you ever see me smiling for no reason, it means I’m drunk, and you should probably grab my keys. Also, you should see if you can get me to confess my love for you, because I almost guarantee I will.

For the most part, even when I’m my most cynical cold-sober self, I tend to always look for, and find, the best in everyone. It’s not a bad way to live life, really, since you’re generally optimistic and forward-looking, as long as you balance it out by being a total dick to people whenever you can, which I like to think I do well. The trouble is, when I’m drunk, I’ll overly focus on those good qualities, telling people how awesome and amazing they are, while forgetting to point out their many flaws. This usually ends with me professing my love for whomever I’m talking to at the time. And while it may actually still be rooted in some genuine positive feelings I have for the person, it certainly doesn’t mean I actually love them and want to marry them.

Most people act in similar ways. Hell, I can tell when Blonde is falling down drunk, just from her texts. She’ll ask where I am, then usually come up with a bunch of really stupid drug-related puns, before professing her undying love for me, and then finally, once I stop texting her back, start pointedly and repeatedly remarking on what a huge loser I am. While it’s certainly a good time for all involved, it doesn’t mean that deep down, she’s madly in love with me. (I mean, she totally is, but not because of that…)

In this case, your pal was drunk. He was in a good mood, wasn’t really thinking about what he was saying or doing, and he ended up saying and doing exactly what he knew you wanted him to. Even the next morning, when he was sober, it’s hard for a guy to just shift gears so quickly, so we tend to just go with the flow until we’re finally home and away from everything. That’s when we tell a buddy, “Dude, I totally fucked up and told so and so I love her last night. Fuck…”

At this point, his only option is to act like it never happened. You could force him to sit down and talk about it, but the end result would be that he’d tell you it was all a mistake, he was just drunk, and he doesn’t think of you in that way.

Sadly, it was all bullshit, and he doesn’t actually have any feelings for you. While there’s no chance of you having a future relationship with him, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try and get him drunk and have sex with him again. As my buddy the Marquis de Sade has clearly proven, there’s really little downside to getting horribly drunk and doing whatever feels good at the moment.

Alcohol is basically the devil. And I say this respectfully, as I have leaned on the substance more times than I’d like to admit. Alcohol is creepy. It can transform a seemingly composed, moderately decent human being into a raging lunatic within a mere hour or two. Alcohol affects brain chemistry by fucking your level of neurotransmitters. Neurotransmitters are chemical messengers that transmit the signals throughout the body that control thought processes, behavior and emotion. Basically, alcohol annihilates your ability to think. At all. Ever.

Take it from me. I’m probably the drunkest person you know. Sometimes. I’ve started out evenings perfectly refined and well-spoken, and after a box of wine I wake up in the morning and the dude I was hanging out with texts me saying his neighbor told him I was trying to break into his houseboat after he left.

I am extremely well-versed on the subject of booze and the way it affects people. Most people are in denial, thinking alcohol is “no big deal” and “he/she wasn’t that drunk”. I can tell you firsthand, alcohol is not something to take lightly. Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it won’t run a train on you in the middle of some dark alley where no one can hear your screams. I’ve had entire relationships while drunk, and woke up one day, mildly sober and thought “I hate this person I’m dating. Who is this?”

People will say pretty much anything to you while they’re drunk. Thoughts aren’t thoughts anymore. They are idealistic fantasies stemming from the fermented, poison liquid that just flooded your body. A friend of mine is dating this guy off-and-on. She often comes to me confused, because one night he’ll embellish her with compliments and say things like, “I’d marry your ass in a heartbeat” and “let’s make weird babies together”. Then, as if it never happened, the next night he is saying things like, “I think you should think twice about what you want from me” and “marriage is scary”.

I tell her the same thing every time. His opinion on marriage clearly goes hand-in-hand with how many drinks he’s had. I know because I’ve done the same thing. The drunker I am, the more likely you are to be my soul-mate.

To answer your question, Pete was really fucked up. There’s a chance he remembers bits and pieces, and I’m positive the bits and pieces he remembers are mortifying to him. No one wants to recall saying things that make them sound like an overly-eager pedophile. You know the feeling, the day after a drunken night, even two days after, and all-of-a-sudden, in the middle of nowhere, this heat wave of embarrassment enters your body because some terrifying memory flashes across your brain like a slideshow being shown as a means of torture. In that moment, you relive your shitty actions from the night before. The blood rushes to your cheeks and ears, your body becomes cold, palms sweat, pupils dilate, you are panic-stricken. Did you really do that? Did you really say that? Oh fuck.

I’m almost positive Pete still has strong feelings for you, but he is so humiliated by his actions that he has concluded it is better to back away. We all have thoughts about people which we’d never fucking tell them. For instance, the first time you meet a dude and you think, “Wow.. he’d be a good dad.” Or the first time a dude meets a chick and he thinks, “Wow, I’d really like to put my dick between those tits”. No one says this shit out loud, because if you did, you’d have no friends. When booze comes into play, it convinces you that saying these things will be charming and leave people awestruck by your way with words.

If either of you want this relationship to go anywhere, you both need to pretend that one night never happened. Lay off the sauce and try again. If he still sucks in bed when he’s sober than put Pete back in the friend-zone where he probably belongs.


Is it bad to be Facebook friends with a girl before asking her out?

So I’ve met a cute girl on a Friday night at my friend’s party, I asked for her number, planned to call her on Sunday. The host later told me he somewhat recognized she’s interested in me as well. On Saturday night I was hanging out with other friends when I noticed she sent me a friend request on Facebook, I really wanted to avoid such things until I’ll call her. Since I’m not experienced in dating, I did as all my friends said I should do and wait to see what happens, so I added her. She started a chat and I knew I fucked up my plan. When the chat was going nowhere I took aside a friend, she told me to call her right away. So after talking with her on the phone a couple of minutes, I asked her out saying I’d like to hang out with her sometime this week, preferably Sunday. She said she’s busy on Sunday and we should talk on Facebook during the week. Haven’t spoken to her yet. What should I do now?

If you asked me this question several times, you’d probably get a different response each time, based on my mood at the moment. I’m going to try and cover all the bases in this one, since it takes an act of congress to get Blonde to actually answer a question these days. Well that, plus half a kilo of coke, a gallon of cheap vodka, and a handful of roofies. Even then there’s still a 50/50 chance she still flakes out, and I’m not made of money here.

If my mood was tired and annoyed, I would tell you to stop wasting your time. There are a million chicks out there, and if her response is anything other than, “OMG yes!” forget she existed and move onto the next one. Too many guys spend too much of their lives, wasting time on girls that will never agree to date them, but like leading guys on because they love the attention.

Were I well-rested and relaxed, I would probably say fuck it, and tell you to keep chatting her up on Facebook. You said you’re inexperienced in dating. The very first thing I do when a friend or colleague tells me he needs to get better at meeting and dating women, is get him around some women. Inexperienced guys are like heat seeking missiles; they lock onto any girl that doesn’t immediately pepper spray them in the face when approached, and convince themselves that she’s the one.

I cure it the same way many psychologists cure people of silly phobias, like fear of snakes, spiders, dildos, or whatever. It’s called systematic desensitization, and involves the gradual (or not so gradual) exposure to what they fear, until they realize there’s no reason to be afraid. You have no future with this girl at all, but you have to learn somehow, and you might as well get some experience with her, even if it’s through chatting on Facebook.

Had your question caught me in one of my over-caffeinated, let’s-get-shit-done moods, I’d tell you the real problem is that you’re worrying enough about this girl, or any girl, to write in and ask a question about it. Women are attracted to guys that are confident, and turned off by guys who seem desperate. Girls don’t want to date the guy that anyone can date, they want to date the dude that all the other girls want, but can’t land, even better if they can steal him from some other girl that he’s dating. The worst thing you can do is care too much, it sends off all kinds of red flags for them.

There’s a buddy of mine that’s been trying to get over his inexperience in the whole dating scene. Let’s call him Vinnie, because that’s actually his name, and we all know I only do this column so I can amuse myself by writing about people I know. Anyway, Vinnie’s come a long way. He’s learning to approach women without seeming all awkward and creepy. He’s even starting to get a little bit of that ‘jerk’ edge that many are drawn towards. Dude’s pulling phone numbers now, like there’s no tomorrow. It’s almost enough to make me proud.

However, he still gets hung up when it comes to the follow up. He’s always texting me about some girl he met that he’s going to go out with, only to follow up a couple days later by saying that she flaked out on him. I tell him to say whatever and move on. Instead, he goes on and on about how he’s giving her “one more chance or I’m done.” I try and explain to him that he’s obsessing too hard over each girl, and he insists that he’s not. After a while, the exchange usually ends with me texting, often in all caps, “Dude! This is all you’ve been texting me about for days now. The fact that we’re even talking about her means you’re trying too fucking hard!!1!” Good times, really.

To sum up, my advice to you is as follows: Unfriend her on Facebook and delete her number from your phone, otherwise, you’re trying too hard. Keep her as a FB friend and chat her up and see where it goes (it goes nowhere), but realize you’re trying too hard. Firmly tell her the two of you are going on a date at this time and place, and if she so much as blinks, delete/unfriend her and move on. Either way, what you do doesn’t really matter. She’s not the problem, you’re the problem. And for fuck’s sake man, stop trying so damn hard.

It’s obvious what’s going on here. This girl wants to decipher whether or not you’re a douche before she hangs out with you.

This day and age, we have the luxury of being passive-aggressive little shitheads. The internet has provided us a comfortable, securely hidden nook with which we can find a life partner and masturbate to something disgusting, simultaneously.

I remember when I was young and boys had to call my parent’s house to talk to me. It didn’t happen a lot because I was a pudgy loser with a bad haircut, but on the off-chance that a boy found himself ugly enough to sink to my level, he would be forced to call the land-line at my parent’s residence. My parents were pretty overprotective, so it wasn’t a cordless phone like the cool kids. It had one of those spiral cords that looks like a pig’s tail and stretches about the length of a small dog. It sat at the dining room table, the place where my large family spent the majority of their time. Point being, if a boy called, I had to talk to him in front of my entire fucking family. These experiences were traumatic and to this day I will not answer my phone. Text me you idiots.

Nowadays, nobody has to go through this hell. I’ve practically started entire relationships before I’ve ever even heard the sound of the dude’s voice. I’m not going to lie and be one of those people who whine about lack of human contact through a Facebook status. Wah wah wah. You’re mad that people sit on their phone at the bar instead of talking to each other. Well guess what? Nobody likes talking to each other anyway. Anytime someone talks to me I wish they weren’t.

I love the passive-aggressive approach to meeting people, and more specifically, to dating. It’s probably because deep down inside I feel like a little fat boy with a red face who can’t pronounce his “r’s”.

I understand not everyone is introverted like I am. I realize that there are tons of people out there who are aching for human contact. People who are disgusted at the thought of dragging out a blossoming romance on the internet when you could just get straight to the point. People like this are usually really involved in their community and/or play a sport. The fact of the matter is, times have changed. The internet has taken over our lives and we’re all fucked.

Your question has a simple answer. This girl thinks you’re attractive enough, but she’s not comfortable going head-on into a date if she doesn’t have to. She wants to feel you out first. She wants to see if you’re worth hanging out with. I know it may seem petty and it is, but I have totally done this. I despise dates more than anything in this world, and before I go on one, I need to have a few textual conversations with you to make sure you’re not really, really dumb. Nobody likes a dumb dude. This has its advantages and disadvantages. For instance, I’ve gotten to know people extremely well via text, and hated them in person. It works the other way as well. I’ve come to the realization that some dudes don’t give a fuck about texting or the internet and you’re not going to get shit out of them until you meet them in person.

My advice for you is to calm down. You don’t need to be calling anyone right away or setting up dates. She doesn’t owe you that. I appreciate the chivalry but let’s face it, this girl is kind of a pussy, and if you want hers, you better step up your web game.