My girlfriend and I have been together now for four years. We used to have sex all the time but for about the last 2 years we hardly have sex any more. She won’t have sex with me for 5 to 6 months at a time. I have tried talking to her and every thing, I even suggested counseling. I don’t know what to do.
Aldous Huxley once defined an intellectual as a person that’s discovered something they find more interesting than sex. Unfortunately, I suspect your problem isn’t of an intellectual nature.
Sex is extremely important to most people. I’d say that a majority of the things most of us do are directly or indirectly related in some way to our desire for sex. It’s a big part of who we are as human beings.
While I can’t (or shouldn’t) speak for women, I can tell you that most guys between the age of 13 and 50 spend an insane amount of time thinking about sex. On a good day, when I am not suffering the effects of a recent concussion, or actively in the process of trying to give some other jerk a concussion, I would estimate that I think about sex every seven seconds or so.
Yet as crazy as it might sound, there are some people who just aren’t into sex. Not anyone I’d admit to knowing or associating with, of course, but they are out there.
And even when sexual desire exists, different people are turned on by a bazillion different things. And while I’m very tempted to fill this column by listing out a bunch of different sexual kinks and/or perversions, a quick peek at any random question to Dan Savage or short perusal of craigslist should more than adaquately illustrate what I am talking about.
None of this answers the question about what the hell is going on with your girlfriend. Maybe years of watching you eat has totally killed her desire to have sex with you. Maybe she discovered that she’s really only interested in other girls. Perhaps she’s only turned on by sex with trench coat wearing, fedora sporting, strangers (here’s to hoping!), there’s no way to know for sure unless she tells you. And even then, there’s no guarantee that she isn’t lying and her lack of desire is really because she’s been getting nailed by the acne covered fry cook at your favorite local fast food restaurant.
You said you’ve tried talking to her and you even suggested counseling, which in my book earns you the Bouncer’s good bar sweeping seal of approval. Talking about relationship issues, such as this one, is absolutely the right first step in trying to address them.
But when all of that fails, you need to look in the mirror and ask yourself just how important sex is to you. No, seriously, go look in the mirror right now and ask yourself that, I’ll wait. One one-thousand, two one-thousand…. Christ, this is boring, could you hurry the fuck up? I don’t have all goddamn day… Okay, whatever, I’m just moving on with or without you…
If sex is of critical importance to you in a relationship, and to most people it is, then you need to make a decision. Can you be happy in a mostly sexless relationship? Do all the other benefits of being with your girlfriend outweigh the downside of limited or non-existent sex? If they don’t, then you owe it to both yourself and her to move on and find someone who is a better overall match for you.
If they do, understand that you’re deciding to make the bed that you’ll be sleeping (but not screwing) in and don’t continuously bitch and moan over the fact that you’re not getting laid.
Also, let your girlfriend know that I get off at 2:15. I’ll be the one in the black leather hat and matching trench coat, desperately trying to find one of the sloppy drunken females I so callously kicked out of the bar 900 achingly-long seconds earlier.
Humans are sexual beings. By nature we want to do things to each other. That’s just the way it is. Anyone who doesn’t feel anything sexually is either lying to themselves or genetically malfunctioned. It’s in our blood to have sex. Animals do it. Bugs do it. Anyone who’s anyone is doin’ it. We’re all gettin’ our rocks off one way or another. If your girl isn’t having sex with you, who IS getting the job done? Because I can assure you someone is. That someone could even be her emotional instability which has lead her to have zero interest in fucking. Chances of this being the case are slim, but bitches be crazy. You never know.
Whatever the case may be, five or six months is a long time to go without. I can’t say I’ve ever done that. In my life. I’m not sure if I’ve even gone a month. Your dedication to this chick is mind-blowing. What does she have, three tits? Does she pay your car insurance or something? I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this kind of dedication. The two of you are not fat old married pieces of shit with eight bratty devils running around. As far as I know. There is absolutely no reason why you shouldn’t be having sex on the regular.
When women withhold sex, it’s because they feel it is the last form of the relationship they can control. Chances are, she is not feeling emotionally nurtured, is unhappy with the way things are going, and therefore won’t go to bone town…. with you at least. Girls don’t wanna fuck when they feel like shit. Guys do. Guys will fuck any old time. Girls not only hold their emotions on their sleeve, but they also hold them in their vaginas. The two go hand-in-hand. Your girlfriend isn’t stoked on the relationship anymore. She doesn’t want to see your naked body.
This is not your fault. Well actually, maybe it is. There’s two sides to every story, but since you’re the one who’s telling it I’m going to side with you. This is not your fault. Your girlfriend’s being a real bitch. Break up with her! She’s obviously making your life a living hell, and I’m sorry but there’s a point when loving someone just doesn’t cut it anymore. The more I write this, the less and less sorry I feel for you. Stop beating a dead horse and go find yourself a stallion!
I don’t personally know your girlfriend, so I can’t affirm whether she’s cheating on you. If the roles were reversed I’d say without a doubt there was some infidelity going on. Dudes just don’t go that long without sex. But girls are weird. Many girls can withhold from sex for long, long periods of time. I don’t know why or how but I think it’s a power thing or something. I’m not sure why anyone would put themselves through that kind of agony. Nonetheless, it seems to be all the rage these days. Whether or not she’s cheating on you doesn’t really matter anymore, though. The fact of the matter is your girl is not fucking you for months at a time and that’s an issue. It’s clear you’ve tried everything and she obviously doesn’t give a fuck. There’s a point in a relationship when it’s time to throw in the towel, and I think that point is now. You can’t make someone love you, you can’t make someone faithful, and you certainly can’t make someone jump on your dick.