My boyfriend keeps trying to make his ex-wife angry. I’ve told him to just move on and forget about her, but it’s like he’s obsessed. What do I do?
Despite a couple of close calls, I’ve never been married myself. While I can’t claim personal experience with ex-wives, I think I’ve seen and experienced enough to give me a general understanding of what happens.
Relationships make people crazy. When you’re really close to someone, especially someone you’ve pledged to spend the rest of your life with, and things suddenly go to hell, it’s understandable to be upset and bitter. We all have our little insecurities, and trusting someone completely and letting them see the whole of you is a very deep and personal experience. When something happens in a relationship where we bared all, we feel betrayed on nearly unimaginable levels. Our fragile egos feel rejected beyond belief, and we feel so damn wronged that it seems unjust and criminal, to the point that we demand retribution to make us feel better.
Often times, I look at relationships the same way I look at people when they come into our club. There are some mutual agreements, spoken or unspoken, and we trust them to act a certain way. We all get something out of the arrangement, the club gets money and a good atmosphere, and they get to have a good time. But if they break our mutual agreements and violate our trust by doing something stupid, we decide to end the relationship by bouncing them out. And while this sometimes involves some kicking and screaming, and possibly a quick punch or two, once it’s over and they are outside, it’s done. Even if they did something that they really deserve a beating for, like sucker punching someone or grabbing on one of our female employees, we’re smart enough not to let our emotions carry over to the point that we do something stupid once they are out.
In an ideal world, an ex-spouse would do the same thing. Once the relationship is over, they just let it go and don’t continue to try and seek retribution. However, when a divorce involves courts and lawyers, and especially kids, things aren’t nearly as cut and dry as they are when we throw someone out of the club. Things tend to get messy, and there’s a reason why the divorce attorneys of the world make so much money.
As to what YOU can do, there’s really nothing. This is something he needs to get over on his own. All you can do is tell him you don’t want to hear about it, and hold up your hand and say “Stop!” anytime he starts going on about it. It’s his problem, not yours. Let him exorcise his demons however he feels necessary, but make it clear to him that you’re not interested in being a part of it.
YOU don’t need to do anything. It’s not your problem. Your only problem is staying with a dude that’s an immature pussy. Your boyfriend sounds like he has some serious baggage that he needs to get rid of. It also sounds to me like he may not be completely over his ex-wife. Oh, and that he needs to grow his big boy balls. One thing I KNOW, is that trying to make someone angry is just another way to beg for attention. If he were truly over it, he would just say “fuck it” and move forward with his life.
Take a Kindergarten boy, for instance. He is too dumb to realize that being nice to the little blonde girl he so deeply loves is the way to win her attention, so instead he throws sand in her face and calls her a “cunt”, which he learned in pre-school from a kid named Sam with bad parents.
It’s the same type of situation here. Now, I’m not trying to say your boyfriend is still in love with his ex-wife, or that he doesn’t value the relationship he has with you. I just think there are still some ties between he and the ex. Some “unfinished business”. He obviously finds it vital to do whatever he can to get her attention, even if it requires being a dick, and clearly looking like one in front of his new girl.
Tell your man it’s annoying the fuck out of you. The rest is in his hands. If he can’t seem to give up his childish antics, sabotaging someone he’s not even with anymore, then do what you need to do. I mean, it is kind of a red flag what dudefriend might do to you if you guys ever break up. Just sayin’.